Ask HN: Hacking your brain after trauma and mental health crisis?
This is very personal, and something I'm trying to figure out. I'm finding executive function hard to come by these days.
Timeline of events:
- March 1st I separated from my wife 18 years. - March 28th, my mom died. - April 7th met someone who'd become a unhealthy relationship (trauma bond) - May 30th divorce finalized - June 1st (trauma bond disintegration began) - June 14th (Grandma who raised me dies).
I'm 44, so there may be a midlife crisis involved. I'm semi-transient living with roommates, after a stint in cheap motels.
Mental health:
- High Functioning Borderline Personality Disorder (diagnosed this year), - ASD (undiagnosed - suspected by my therapist), - Major Depressive Disorder, Obsessive - Limerencing, ADHD (Inattentive).
Finances: Able to program, unable to focus, was doordashing but lost my car last week (engine).
Strategies so far:
- Make new friends (I had zero support network, zero friends, zero family that isn't my ex-wife and kids). - Do activities like: Volleyball, karaoke with local singles, etc. - Therapy - Journaling (I journal into a GPT relationship coach custom gpt and it's been very insightful and when I want to send an email to the object of my affection ... I just send it to the bot first and it talks me out of it and convinces me its a bad idea and walks me through coping skills.)
Goals / Plans:
- Move to SLC, culture is different than St George and I think it'll be good for me, still close enough to see my kids regularly. - Start a drone business or agency, drone would be my pick as it'd be a hobby kind of too and keep me more interested. Plus I'm a bit burned out on web stuff. ON the other hand my wheelhouse is digital marketing and web dev so a digital agency would be easier to start probably. - Waiting on inheritance to pull plug on businesses. - Trying to stay afloat till then. - Fix credit that's gone to hell the past 2 years.
I go through cycles where i feel good, and like I'm 'coming to my senses', and everything makes sense... but then I hit a wall and I start going back to bad habits.
My mental health goals involve: Ditch people pleasing behaviors, set boundaries, learn to pace relationships (don't fall or limerence too hard until compatibility checks out), learn secure attachment, work on DBT skills until they're second nature, receive Ketamine treatment.
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I think I have a good ...plan or framework...but I'm also spiraling a lot lately, and if anybody's been in something similar, I could really use advice on what you did to ... survive.
I don't want to go too dark, but ideation has been at a level 9 some days towards the beginning and up til August.
I could really just use advice, tips, resources (mentally, emotionally, physically, or financial). If I can make it to inheritance, I'm thinking I'm going to take a trip to Europe or something fun to just reset myself then start a business with the remainder - mostly hiring sales people to close sales and find new business.
Not sure if this is approved here but my main question: How have you hacked your brain to survive trauma, and mental health crisis?
You've been diagnosed with mental health disorders, so any plan you create should involve guidance from mental health professionals with no exceptions.
That said, know that what you are experiencing is NORMAL and that many of the rest of us are or have had very similar struggles and there is a path forward and there IS sunshine on the other side.
In terms of my own experiences with grieving dying parents and murdered friends (within months of each other, oddly enough), it's taken me years to get beyond what I would consider "severe grief". It still affects me quite a bit, but I've learned to manage it and put it in perspective. There is no fast track out of it. It seems to just take time.
I've never lived in St. George. But I think it's different from SLC... but not that different. SLC is bigger, less LDS, but still heavily culturally influenced by them. Also, it's a lot colder. That can affect you, especially in the winter months. (Also, it sits in this valley, and the air pollution builds up there.)
I don't know where else would be physically close that would be better, though. Las Vegas is its own bundle of cultural pathologies. Grand Junction? Barstow/Victorville/San Bernardino?
Wherever you go, you're going to need to make some contacts and turn them into friends. Well, you have the starting point - contacts - in St. George. I would carefully think through who you know, even as acquaintances, there in St. George, and think honestly about how hard it would be to replace them, and how much more adrift you'd be without them.
I've got a number of contacts in SLC (Utah singles group), they have lots of events and I've got friends I've made up there I can definitely hang out with. The culture is a lot less ... stodgy, I think. Vegas might be better but feels less 'safe'. Colorado could be cool but too far from my kids I think..
Hi Gremlinsinc, First of all, I'm impressed, you're a real fighter . Everyone is different, so it's possible that my approach might not fit perfectly with what you need.
Usually, when I want to get through trauma, I stay occupied with activities that I love and give myself time (sometimes several years). I'm introverted, so I recharge my batteries by doing activities like running, learning a new language or skill, cooking, or cleaning. Once my batteries are recharged, I'm able to accept that I'm human and it's normal to experience these emotions.
My next step is similar to what you did in this message. If the trauma is too big, I share my thoughts and reflections with people I trust. When they share their thoughts, I only take what I think fits my situation.
For me, it takes time and effort to work through trauma. I stay patient, trust the process, and keep fighting. I love fighting .
I started learning guitar, and can play a bunch of songs.. (1 hour per day)...oddly I've been able to focus on that... everyday since April... It's very therapeutic as it makes me stop thinking so much.
Wow amazing, guitar seems an excellent idea. Can I borrow your idea?
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You seem to have a lot of pain but this is no place or way to act on it. I hope you find something better for yourself and for others.
> feral dog
Whose behavior seems out of control on this page?
yeah, I'm hardly a feral dog. Seriously.
BPD is VERY manageable. Most of the time it's environmental and once you work through the childhood trauma it can almost disappear completely.
The op's post is dead, so I just wanted to chime in under yours to tell people it's not bad, and for me it's not that bad because I've got the harder to diagnose "silent" or high functioning brand.
Which is good and bad, I guess. Easier to treat, bad because it took me 44 years to figure out I had it.
Stop that. You are projecting the pain that you suffered at the hands of an abuser onto someone you have never met.
Dehumanizing someone who is seeing a therapist and seeking help online trying to seek help is both legitimately unhelpful, and also actively harms people in recovery by casting doubt on whether getting help will help them get better.
Abusers with BPD exist, abusers without BPD exist. Abusers are abusers, being diagnosed with BPD doesn't make you an abuser. People with BPD are, almost definitionally, people who've been abused or clinically neglected, and are likely to be abused in adulthood as well.
https://www.manchester.ac.uk/about/news/borderline-personali...
Finally, BPD is a set of symptoms, not a cause - for this reason, its a pretty contested diagnosis with a lot of stigma attached. Its often more accurate to think of it as a trauma disorder. 50% of people with BPD don't meet the clinical criteria (aka they don't have BPD) after 10 years in many studies - if it were truly an unchangeable thing, those numbers would not be possible.
Are you trying to convince the OP to end their life?
A high-functioning BPD sufferer can learn to be aware of behaviors that negatively impact others and minimize them. OP is likely an individual like that.
Don't take hope from the hopeless.
If you can get the money together for it, consider putting a significant block of travel at the top of the list. For some people it can have an absolutely transformative effect on mental health.
I have money coming from mom/grandma's estates..I'm planning on this.. I wasn't sure how good an idea it was but apparently if this were Family Feud, it'd be #1 maybe...
How does that work? Is there a name for travel therapy?
Biggest part is putting yourself into a different situation. It gives you a lot of different threads to pull on, especially if you are traveling more to explore and less to just participate in leisure. Leisure is still required for burnout recovery, and sometimes seeking a very quiet place in which your needs are taken care of is the best way to quiet down all the hypersensitive alarms in your body and mind. Sometimes travel is for like going somewhere different, seeing how different people live, doing something you normally wouldn't do.
I might get a nice apple laptop, put my stuff in storage, and nomad it for a bit. I can fly back to see my kids, but cost of living is cheap AF in europe/mediteranean. It would definitely give me a bit of a change in perspective.
I haven't heard a name for it, but basically, your mental state is connected to your situation (obviously).
Your situation includes yourself, where you are, what you do every day, who you are around, etc. Usually it hasn't changed much in years. It's very fixed, very rigid, very limited. But you've seen it everyday for years so it's kind of your total picture of life.
If your situation is bad, you don't view it as one among many possibilities. You view it as life generally - this is just how things are and there's no other options that are meaningfully different. This persisting for years erodes your mental health.
However when you travel (properly, meaning solo, for a significant duration, with a big chunk of it away from tourist areas), you realize on a visceral level the following things that you had no experiential knowledge about: the world is huge and massively varied, people and cultures are massively varied, and ways of living are massively varied.
Concurrently, displaced from your original situation, not seeing the people or places, not doing the routines, being thousands of miles aways, all the bad feelings start slowly draining out of your body. Like you've just stepped out of being in a sauna for years and now you're slowly cooling down and remembering what feeling cool is like.
The result of this is affectively that you come to realize at a visceral psychological level that misery is optional, and there are thousands of other options - you've just seen and experienced them first hand.
IMHO, people going and getting drugged up to deal with the misery, instead of doing this, is profoundly wrong. I think a lot of it is crabs in the bucket - those around them have a vested interest in holding them in place, selfishly treating their misery as irrelevant, and so will do everything in their power to prevent them taking such an action. Your change isn't good for them.
But yeah, maybe isn't for everyone, but in my opinion, for anyone who's been suffering mental health issues in adulthood (remember how you didn't during childhood? - different situation), this is an obvious first port of call.
Thanks. That's a brilliant explanation.
you've sold me, I was already sold, but this description is very comforting. Very encouraging.
I see some high level similarities with my life, but I can't give real advice, just a thought, that you should take with a handful of salt (like anything else on the internet): break up your problems, and concentrate on 1 of them at a time (with full force), until it is solved. If you try to get rid of all your issues at one time, that will just leave all of them at place.
One thing that hits a bit too close to home is "unable to focus" - this is a killer. I don't know how impactful this is on you, but I had this, and it was destroying me. I couldn't focus on anything for longer than 10 minutes, and it took me a huge effort forcing myself to sit down, and code for 2+ hours without major disractions.
yes..this is huge.. why I'm wanting to start a business or something that's ... got lots of things to do to run it so I don't get so unable to focus.
I'm on vyvanse and wellbutrin and caffeine but still hard to focus. I'm trying to get back into a routine...and keep structure.
I lost 125 pounds since March 2023 ... i'm assuming from Major Depression I'm just not hungry and during the last year of marriage we didn't eat much as a famiy so I lived off Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches and basically ate 1-2 per day and nothing else... (I wasn't really hungry anyways)...
Recently, I took up volleyball cause I noticed my knees could actually take stairs without hurting or needing to go up like a 'gimp' with a swagger or side shuffle thing... So I'm like 390lbs playing volleyball and it's a lot of fun, great people, though I'm out of commission now cause my car broke down... but it was fun.
I had to go through similar challenges and had found good help in a mental health retreat.
You can find some on https://recovery.com/
If you can afford it, I can personally recommend https://thetreehousethailand.com/
Check out the Metabolic Mind YouTube channel.
> a trip to Europe
Do it! dont wait. A change of location will reboot your brain. Trekking, Swimming, Sunburn will give you some much needed break.
Its easier to aquaint with new people when you are traveling. I am sure you know of all these things already. I just wanted to confirm that your idea of travelling is the right medicine.
i have $70 in my bank account, I'm getting inheritances (lower 5 digits).
It'll definitely have to wait. I'm wanting to do Iceland, and Mediteranean though for maybe a month just nomad it..
You should definitely try EMDR - Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy - it works very well and should help you
How do you do that? Can I do it myself, through apps, etc?
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56614591-trauma
This book is a very good read.
This book also changed my life in immeasurable ways and set me on a journey to recover from trauma: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd
I know st George, and SLC. Personally, I would get the hell out dodge
Oh I'm going through something so so similar. No inheritance to fall back on but that's fine. The main thing that keeps me going is a strong belief the future will get better.
Try the keto diet.
Just eat rib eye steaks, eggs, green veggies, and avocado.
Just do it for 3 days. See how you feel
What is a healthy ratio of protein to veggies to fats? Do you have a recommended protein other than steak or chicken which is less chewy?
What an incredible mountain you've climbed this year. Whatever shape you're in, it's amazing you are still finding ways to care for yourself. People who haven't been through hard times don't understand what an incredible task it is.
Next year can't possibly have so much trauma. As the spring's trauma recedes a little, and relative stability becomes the norm, I hope the context for everything else in life is not this incredible disruption and chaos, and maybe it will make everything easier to deal with. I can tell you things that have helped me; I hope they help you:
I know the most important lesson I learned is to be your own best friend, your own family, your own support. That doesn't exclude others, but you need to be the primary person you can depend on for love and support; be absolutely loyal, always there for yourself; then even when all else is in doubt, nothing can take away your primary partner. That requires compassion for your humanity and believing in your own value, regardless of what others say, regardless of having a very good day or very bad one (especially on the latter days). There's no doubt you deserve it. Look what you've overcome just this year.
Another lesson I learned is that I do unhealthy things because I have a genuine healthy need, but just bad ways to address it. Learn healthy coping that is effective - those needs really deserve love and help. Then don't beat yourself up when the bad habits resurface - you're human - just see them as a signal: there are some real needs right now and I need to take care of them, and here are some healthy ways. Again, have compassion for the needs and for your very human response to them.
I also try to remember, on the most difficult days: Do good in hard times. Just take a small step forward, stick to the program even when I can't remember why I'm doing it, and when the hard time ends I not only have made some progress, I feel far more confidence - instead of being depressed by the negative cycle - and that propels me forward.
Like I said, most people don't understand - in fact, I think they are a little afraid of - just how much you have overcome.
.........
... I know I'm not really addressing the practical issues, but in my experience, if I take care of the emotional ones then the practical things become far easier. But could you get an advance on your inheritence or part of it? Certainly you have very good reasons for asking!
I hope everything gets better and better as you get further away from last spring.
There's no way I'm aware to get inheritance early, but I think we're on the last 'rungs' I hope... anyways. I've filled out the last bit of paperwork and a w9... So, who knows?
I'm having trouble maybe..understanding what people mean by love yourself, or be your own family or support...I'm thinking of my life in terms of buckets where usually I focus like 90% or more on romantic interest... (I was married 18 years, so...it was a big shock being on my own...) ... but instead of being so caught up in finding my next ...person ... I've been trying to think in terms of filling buckets of: work, career, business, hobbies, family (kids), health / mental health / self help books, etc...
I'm not sure how to build compassion for myself, the rebound person I was with left me with huge scars, in fact that was maybe as far as day-to-day pain the most painful, because I'd never felt bonded to someone so strong..and to be cast aside and completely shunned and everything. I feel torn between i deserved it, and no I didn't because I'm human and people don't treat people like that. I took all the blame and made me feel very worthless.
Anyways, I digress.. a lot of this in BPD related stuff ...and DBT therapy i think is helping regulate my emotions better.
One thing I've been doing is learning guitar, everyday an hour per day. Music has saved my life, and given me an ability to meditate, though the better I get the less I have to think about what I'm doing the less meditative properties haha.
> I'm having trouble maybe..understanding what people mean by love yourself, or be your own family or support...I'm thinking of my life in terms of buckets where usually I focus like 90% or more on romantic interest... (I was married 18 years, so...it was a big shock being on my own...) ... but instead of being so caught up in finding my next ...person ... I've been trying to think in terms of filling buckets of: work, career, business, hobbies, family (kids), health / mental health / self help books, etc...
> I'm not sure how to build compassion for myself ...
I didn't understand it either at one point; I had no idea what it meant or where to start, and was taught to snear at that sort of thing (that was the biggest mistake of my life). If you're stuck, try a therapist - they can help you get started.
I can't really offer much over HN forum posts and obviously I don't know you well enough to offer advice (and I'm not an expert!), but speaking generally from one person's experience: One fundamental that might apply is that what you write about is mostly focused externally, especially the focus on a romantic partner.
It's completely normal, and in fact it's inevitable and extremely health: every human needs love, support, compassion, etc. We are social creatures - we are not built to be alone.
The needs never go away; ignore them, supress them, deny them, and yet they still will come out. There should be another physical law with those of motion, thermodynamics, etc., the Law of Conservation of Emotional Need. If you try to suppress them then they will dominate your emotions and you end up acting out on them anyway, usually in an unhealthy way at a bad time, often without realizing it. Our bodies will not be denied; they take over and almost force your hand - drinking, etc., or whatever immediate relief is available, healthy or not. Via relationships, we demand their fulfillment by others; the others become mere objects (as in, objectification) who exist to fulfill our needs.
Another principle is that if we feel vulnerable, powerless, or or worthless inside, then we look for much more externally - from unhealthy romantic partners, from drugs, from workaholism, from skydiving, from video gaming 24/7 ... different things for different people.
Those things we act out on, and those we look for externally, are signals of unfulfilled needs - real, healthy needs that we've neglected. To care for them, we must first know ourselves - really be honest. If you tell yourself, 'that's too ugly, I don't want to talk about it' - it's going to be hard to take care of the need, and it's also pretty awful; imagine a partner or a parent rejecting you like that (unfortunately, many people can imagine that very well - don't listen to those people, who probably are repeating their own experiences). We need to learn to love it all, ugly, deep, serious flaws too. Everyone has deep flaws, so that doesn't exclude love. IMHO it's the only thing that makes love meaningful - enjoying the successful fun parts is easy; in fact it doesn't even require love.
One of the biggest benefits is that, even as our external life changes - people, jobs, crazy politics - your 'best friend' is always there and can't be taken away by anyone, unless you let them.
Another benefit is that a healthy relationship with yourself enables genuine, healthy relationships with others. To get a bit mushy, if you are going connect heart and soul, that connection has to go through your conscious self. It's a serial connection (this being HN!):
The end-to-end connection is entirely dependant on that first link: If you aren't honest with yourself, how can you avoid lying to your partner? We become like an alcoholic who won't hear of the possibility that they have a problem - where do you start with that person? And again, the needs we deny internally, we inevitably demand from the other person, which is very unhealthy. If you don't love yourself, it's very hard for others to love you. And you deserve love.I hope that helps!
Came here to say something far less eloquent and well crafted!
Neglect is sometimes the most difficult wound to see - its about what you didn't get that you should have. Everything is normal to a kid.
I suggest seeking out therapists who work with veterans and do MDMA Assisted Therapy. Search around and ask for them. The MDMA will shut of your amygdala for 7 hours so you can have long talks with the therapists without your body experiencing fear/anxiety. You'll be able to efficiently get through talking about your traumatic experiences and experience a healthy reconnection with the therapists while in a peaceful state full of endorphins and oxytocin. You'll reconnect with the good inside yourself and humanity. I resolved my PTSD diagnosis this way and it gor me back on track.